Sought after, compared to, fought for
Treasured, locked away, cased up
Etched on, hidden, Buried
It’s funny how alive you feel
When you think of the life you can take.
If I had a gun
I’d hold it to my head
Feel the adrenaline rush
The cold metal against against my skin
The control in my hands
I’d feel so calm while my heart beat so fast
I wouldn’t pull the trigger
I’d just relax knowing I’d always have a way out
If I had a gun, I’d hold it to my head, close my eyes and think of the life that I had.
When I think of things in my head, it’s like snow falling and covering a city.
The coldness is me realizing. Filling all the spaces.
Then the snow melts and I forget.
Until the weather changes again I’m back to who I was.
Each time it snows though I remember a little more.
Like the terrain is being shaped and formed to understanding.
At first I was scared of the cold.
Now I think of fleece.
Now I feel enlightened in this new world
And hope it lasts longer each time
Hope this persists and becomes permanent.
I’d rather be cold and know then be in the dark.
Hunter T. is an openly transgender army veteran currently living in Los Angeles.