Anxiety by Jordan Nickel-Dubin
Shhhhhhhhhhh
Yeah right
Never
You know how sometimes
You trip over something
And there’s a half second
Where you’re not sure
If you’ll be able to catch yourself
Or not
That half second of pure terror
That’s where I live
Every
Single
Day
In that half second
Possessed by demons
The fight for a cerebral cerebellum
Feeling out of control
Overcome by emotion
My face a sauna of tears
They say
Your strength overpowers the weakness
You’re so powerful
No
I will lose
I am losing
I’m now lost
A consistent internal fight
With one’s greatest weapon
Intoxicated with hate
With pain
With disgust
Of one’s own being
Just breathe
Inhale
Exhale
I can’t
Fighting to take in any air
Let alone a deep breath
Imagine losing control of your heart
Your chest
Physical pain
Knocking you down
No one can find out why
Because no one believes you
Hearing but not listening
Writing but not accepting
You begin to hate the words
“I understand”
A gentle hand on your arm
Feels like needles
Too much work to push it away
My life as a voodoo doll
18 months of consistent nausea
Leaves me dry-heaving daily
Even today
8 years later
The wound is still fighting
To get dressed every day
Shhhhhhhhhhh
Yeah right
Never
Jordan Taylor Dubin is an actor, theatrical mover, writer, teacher, and huge musical theatre nerd. She was born and raised in Southern California and is now living out her 13-year dream of living in New York City. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Dance & Theatre Performance and Psychology from Mills College. During the day she works as a theatre teacher and staff associate at a college, and at night she’s an editing manager and freelance copy editor. Jordan is thrilled to have the opportunity to be published in Rock the Pigeon. Instagram: @arts_n_smarts Twitter: @_arts_n_smarts_
